The Weirdest Show on T.V.

I submit to you, dear readers, that ANTM is the weirdest show ever to air on television. For those of you not in the know—and how dare you—it's "America's Next Top Model". And it is a long running show. 

You may ask yourself this question every time you watch an episode (as I do), between the cringing and head-turning embarrassment, for the judges and contestants: how does a bunch of "Zoolander" NY fashion-types rule the tube?

Because the host, Tyra Banks, has created this exercise in vanity to let you know that she is still the prettiest girl in the room. She creates these gawd-awful "challenges" for would-be models to try (and fail at), so that she, and her panel of judges, can make fun of them. First, she has to prove that she can "make it work", by posing in the challenge photo herself, then mockingly showing it to the young girls at their judging, like this fine example of bald Tyra. Most of the models looked like an absolute horror freak show afterward, but of course, TyTy already knew that, and so did we.

Tyra and her cronies also like to take perfectly fine-looking young ladies and give them ridiculous hair-dos. They hover around the girls, ganging up on them when they react poorly to the overwhelming situations they are placed in, constantly reinforcing the message that this is what "real models" endure. As they sit in the stylists' chair, wigs are painfully sewn onto their scalps, or their long locks are sheared off, as it is hammered into their heads over and over, that they must suffer for "fashion". Inevitably, one lost sheep starts to bawl, when she comes out of the "makeover" part of the show looking like a little boy. In response, they create a peer-pressure environment around her, telling her to grow up and quit acting like a diva, while they film their latest victims' meltdown.

Another surreal game they play with contestants is to place a beautiful girl in a twisted fantasy, just to see if she can "model through it". Here's a neat scene from a previously aired show, when they forced a girl to model with actual homeless people on a set, styled like a back alley nightmare, to capture "hobo chic". WTF?! Isn't fashion about selling clothes?

The next hat trick these cruel magicians perform is caking the girls in unflattering make-up, obscuring their natural beauty as much as possible, with the premise, once again, to see if she can "model through it". And fail at it, as they rip her to shreds, while high-ranking, imposing industry gurus sit behind an intimidating desk, on a raised podium, firing off at her. The girl has to shakily stand there in front of a line of them and take it, but not show any nerves.

If the girl currently up at bat reacts in any way that Tyra doesn't like, they criticize her into acquiescence. If another girl has too much sang-froid about it, they tell her she is an emotionless robot, creating a constantly shifting and uncertain landscape to maximize breakdowns, so they can film the results. Keep in mind, readers, that they are girls, between the ages of 18-21. The derisive"old" comments typically start when the young women on the show are 24 to 26 years old.

When a girl tries to defend her relative inexperience, Tyra berates her for that, too. She tells them how cool and tough she is compared to them, because she was a high-fashion runway model at age 14. Many of the girls have never been away from home, or outside of their small town. Tyra likes to toss that aside in her scathing "critiques" by bringing up her modeling experiences as a comparison. After a few contestants remain, she ships them off on an arduous journey to a hereto previously unknown destination (so they have no time to prepare), and crams them into tiny overseas hotel rooms, for a more "authentic" experience. They get maps in foreign languages, then they are sent out to navigate a new city and its unknown mass transit system, under a time limit, to get harshly judged at go-sees, their first. Often, they are not educated enough to succeed under these particular conditions. What a disadvantage!

The outfits aren't much better either, to go along with all that heavy, drag make-up. Where are the gorgeous, sumptuous designer clothes? Not here! This young model has to endure weird petals stuck to her head in a freaky sunflower tableaux, which represents, oh, who the eff knows. Model through that, honey! How about a bizarre hat three times too big for your head? Is that too challenging for you? Because I'm sure TyTy can dig through her archive and find a picture where she did it better than you ever will. Again, how dare you.

So, why do I watch it? Because I'm a New York girl, and fashion is a daily part of life in this town. The streets are our runways, and every major designer has a house here that has sample sales, with incredible clothes at major discounts. I also love photography, which is a part of my artistic routine. Models walk the streets everyday. They can be seen teetering on high heels, making their already tall frames even more so; skinny, pale, and extremely young, carrying portfolios under their arms.

In truth, it can be a rough life, and it is not for everyone. But for those hungry for that type of success, it can be yours, for a price. Strange as the show is, for some young girls out there, it represents their version of the "American Dream". Certainly, it does for the current crop of NY models, many of whom emigrate from very poor Eastern European countries. This is their ticket to a better life, and their families, so they'll take any shot at it that they can get. If you happen to come across the many, many reruns of this show during on a random channel surf, just turn the volume down, and check out the clothes in peace. It's much better that way.

 Go out there and strut your stuff this Friday!

And have a great weekend.