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| Mission impossible, now ready for your 7 year old hands. |
Board games of the past were usually about freaking you out, by proving to you (once again) that being a kid means you have no control over life (just like the game called "Life" that goes on forever), and that your tiny hands can actually do jack-shit because you do not have superior motor control, yet (like your dad who loves to beat kids at their own games). Topping the list for us was "Operation", which has all of the hallmarks of a bullshit game designed by adults who actually hate you at your level.
It had small pieces that went missing the same Christmas morning you excitedly opened it on (probably swallowed by the dog, which means you have to "pooper scoop" for days in the yard to look for it, then wash off the dog crap after you do find it and pick it out of said crap wearing rubber gloves), then when you do have all parts required AND assembled (with your dad who hates holiday mornings with hammers and screws, because he basically escaped from the 'hood by following motor skills to the Navy, which he also hated, and then into white collar work, so this brings back all those bad mornings with his alcoholic parents who drank their pay away and bought no gifts, while you wait for him to angrily burn off his Christmas energy and make your game), a friggin' pair of adult-sized tweezers so other kids can watch your hand shake all over the place with tension and nerves over some stupid game that (to them) has the very fate of the world at stake, with this scary loud alarm that instantly sets your heart racing uncontrollably with a flashing red light that goes off, to let everyone near you know that, yeah, you suck at this game, too.
So basically, like a really bad, totally dysfunctional, and typically broke-ass working class New York Christmas morning (with or without the hangover,) which me and my bro re-enacted for ourselves and the next generation by working through it one morning at Grandma's place, building an extremely complicated Transformer-like obstacle course with over 100 separate pieces for his totally freaked-out oldest son who doesn't like anything not to work ever, so he stood by us tensely monitoring our progress, alternating crying and occasionally nail-biting within plain sight because my werewolf Malamute unknowingly swept his very large tail all over our work up to that point, thus creating yet another starting point for us to panic over anew.
Up there with the rest of this water torture entered arcade games, designed to rip you off in under 15 seconds flat. Scammers, man. Also, here's a strong "Fuck you! " to the creators of Pacman, Ms. Pacman, and dumb-ass Donkey Kong. Take that! I hated you all >:o( Super Mario Brothers, Intellivision's Pitfall, Tetris, and Wolfenstein may stay with the new computer, but you must go. Go now!
