"Oompa Loompa" Orange

I've mentioned before the inherent weirdness of the average urban New York lifestyle, and it's as true today as it ever was. More importantly, we have a human representative from EVERY COUNTRY on the planet within our environs, which (combined with a rigorous training in the arts, humanities, and sciences) pretty much makes you an expert on all things human-related, skin included. What do I mean? Glad you asked! I have a link for that: http://twentytwowords.com/snapshots-of-children-from-every-country-in-the-world-living-in-new-york-city/.

Additional information for the reading-impaired also handily supplied with this pictorial example below that shows natural skin tones as they exist currently on our planet Earth:

http://www.quora.com/How-is-skin-color-determined-in-babies

It's also called strange things like "Genetics" and "Science", so if you want to parent with another human through that ancient ritual of bonding that's "mating", you can have a general idea about basic traits that your children might have. Of course, not all parents care about skin tones, just like some people don't need to know the gender of their baby in utero to have a happy healthy family. So, why do I bring it up? I'm so glad you asked that question, too!

Think of today's post like a P.S.A., or "Public Service Announcement", because me and my friends (I know. We've talked.) are sick and tired of freak-show shit that isn't funny, like the kind of crap you see on scary shows about desperate mentally ill "housewives" off their meds and onto booze, in (once again) a scarily competitive "lesbian cheerleader" type of way; not that there's anything wrong with that, we just want to be perfectly clear about why you (as a human) might disturb us out in the wild.

Because who else but a totally effin' deranged weirdo would ape the skin color of a make-believe, surreal, scary cartoon-type of character from a freaky 70s movie like Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory?! Weirdos do: that's who does sh#t like that. Weirdos want to look insane, not normal decent people who bear children because they love kids and their partner, or we want to add value to the world by raising healthy, happy, and well-adjusted children. 

This, as seen below, is definitely not our great inspiration for skin tones (again, with a handily-supplied visual for reference, as seen below):

http://www.inkntan.com/FAQ/Orange-Stigma-Oompa-Loompa.aspx

As a further, deeper layer of investigation and public scrutiny into their crazy subculture (also serving as a "how-to" guide about what to avoid out there in the big scary world), please note they often combine it with their go-to bat-shit hair color of "Unnatural Peroxide-White Blonde" that's straight out of the bottle and far from human, too. 

They've evolved their own particular and often very rigidly defined look through repeated exposure to a daily freaky toxic cocktail of Eating Disorders, weirdo competitiveness over nothing types of guys and/or girls, scripted reality t..v. show appearances, Round-Robin (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Round-robin) stints in rehab/mental health care facilities for their ( INSERT YOUR ADDICTION HERE ) _______________, and mandatory breast enhancement surgery, often also freely electing to undergo many painfully invasive and highly dangerous cosmetic procedures, in a quest to look what they think is acceptably "Shiksa" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shiksa) or "Gentile" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gentile), which is a really disparaging way to fetishsize goy peoples of the world (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Goy). 

You should know that we are totally on to you, so get the fuck out of our way or we'll eat you for breakfast, hexen. This is our town, too! Also a big "Hey, there!" and loud "HEY, NOW!" shout-out to my Rockland kids from way back when, and all my other 'round-the-way New York types: this one's for all of you who've also just fucking had it, today. I feel for you, so hang in there. I got your back, baby.
 

For JonBenét

I was walking to church service a few weeks back, enjoying the sunshine and looking at shop windows in town, when this particular brand of insanity popped out at me, like a punch to the face:

WTF?! I'm no prude. I grew up dancing around in formfitting leotards as a kid, but never in some weirdo outfit like this, because (and this is key) MY PARENTS WOULD HAVE NEVER ALLOWED IT. Why, you ask? Listen to me, you g-ddamn fuck up, you know perverts who hurt children look for little girls to be dressed up like a woman because they are fuck ups. They know parents who outfit their kids like this are totally vulnerable to their brand of manipulation.

Just like we know "reality" t.v. stars pimp out their kids, pumping them full of sugar and drugs so they can "perform" onstage for these weirdos who use these events as a pretext to fetishize their children, the people who pay money for the privilege to attend, brandishing phony trophies and other "prizes", as they also lurk anonymously in the darkened audience, gazing at the objects of their desire onstage, primped out for all the world to see. In other words, this ain't no Sugar Plum Fairy dancing in a classical ballet at Lincoln Center, and we are onto you. Do you hear me, loud and clear?

We are onto you.

G-d bless you today, my parents, neighbors, friends, and dear families in Christ. Today (and for every day after, as these atrocities continue to occur), we go to battle against all the things that dare to go bump in the night, in direct defiance of Our Lord's True Nature, thinking that their sick gazes go unmolested by our unseeing eyes; that it does not pierce straight into G-d's heart, He Who Sees and Knows All. We see you. Know that, and sleep well, my children, tonight and every night.

And you, you who have so deserted the keeping and company of men of good faith, look what you have chosen to make famous with your attentions and focus. How do you sleep at night? This, this woman below, this is who you gave a major t.v. contract to. This is who you put on a major t.v. network. This is who you made famous. Does she look like she cares about you, or us, or herself, or anyone? No more.

http://www.cnn.com/2013/09/19/living/parents-ban-child-beauty-pageants/

http://www.tlc.com/tv-shows/toddlers-tiaras