Better Safe Than Sorry

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uber_%28company%29

In another highly coincidental sense of "timing" that's my life (we're calling it that today, right?), I planned to write this piece about common sense and excellent grandfatherly advice many weeks ago, one that dovetails nicely with current crimes in your tabloid media, but more on that a bit further in. Suffice to say, my original notes contained references to timeless classics like not having your head up your own ass, which works in any century. Much like the adage "don't take rides from strangers", it fits neatly into any time and any type of human life.

And so it was. I kept my bearings crossing city streets without developing weird tics like saying the street name three times before attempting to do so, which was also nicely contained within the phrase "always watch your back" and I did, so it worked. When our airspace was violated during 9/11, my then-boyfriend and I were already deeply invested in his flight training, which was part of our moving back to New York City. He and I spoke at length about American naïveté regarding travel and airplanes that was echoed around the world. A Yankee ballplayer had infamously flown a small light plane over the gusty East River and right into the side of a building years before the debate about our precious urban air-spaces entered into your mainstream lexicon.

My English-born boyfriend was aghast that a city as famous as New York would even allow anyone like a private pilot within range. It was a huge gap in our collective awareness that wasn't in step with the rest of the world. People from Israel are so accustomed to a strong military presence at airports (like other "hot zones" around the world continually rife with conflict) that they've long considered it an enormous problem for us that had to change. Ditto with England's airspace. In fact, many European-Americans feel comforted by military personnel on duty at popular public spaces, and so do I. 

I fucking love seeing buff dudes in tight outfits with big guns at the Port Authority (sorry, my hetero is showing), especially with their awesome K9 units. Yay! Big "papas" and their highly-trained, bomb-sniffing dogs!! I bet we'd have a lot in common, like dog training and special ops certification programs in the woods! I was immediately cheered on by the gearing up of a big TSA-based presence at our international airports, because it sends a message around the world that we care about our people and their transportation, because we do. It's an accurate reflection of our passion for life that was missing before.

That was the tone of my message before some pyscho-killer chose this week to be an evil fucking scumbag. We had a big, open, media conversation this past summer about Uber in New York City that I thought would quickly trickle down to this rest of the country, but I guess fucking not, so let's go over it again. Don't get into cars with strangers. Period. There's a reason why people need certification, licenses, DOT numbers, and photo ID's to drive people around the city, and this is it. Back in the day, we called sketchy-looking foreign dudes who drive around looking for fares "Gypsy cabs", which meant you had as much luck getting to your destination safely as you had getting advice from shaking a Magic 8 ball. It was "buyer beware" all the way there and back, because once you get into someone's car, they can pretty much take you wherever the fuck they want to, without benefit of a professionally-installed GPS like modern taxis have that marks the 21st century, you dumb fuck.

It is not at all like booking a room on a website that's certified to provide professional B&B service, because a room is not like a car (for obvious reasons), just like an unmarked car is not the same as a professional cab driver, you dick. For the record, AirBnB was created by two RISD-trained intellectuals who care about their business, so that's a big fucking difference right there. Mayor de Blasio said pretty much the same thing: it's not that we want to deprive any individuals the right to earn a living in a very competitive city, it's just that your lack of training is what made some Michigan nut into a killer, see? Do you now see how that works?! Good! Your nutcase is not the same as my kind Grandpapa from Queens with his Medallion-owned yellow cab. Get it? No?

OK, here's more: your ignorant, fucking welfare kook with a borrowed, uninsured car IS NOT THE SAME as a professional limo driver looking to pick up a few fares on his way back to the garage, by picking up a few tourists around Times Square in the middle of our hottest summertime days, with his plush-air-conditioned ride. Do you get it now? Of course you do, you insane fuck. Remember those shitty Chinatown buses from way back that took transplants from the city to Boston "on the cheap" until people died, which is exactly like those crazily over-stacked MegaBuses that advertise "holla for a dolla" rides around Chi-Town will do...until some cheap-ass muthafucka dies from what should be a standard commuter bus route. Pay the fuckin' full fare for a real bus or stay home, you broke-ass idiot. Fuck! I don't want to have this conversation again, feel me? Yes, you do. Now you do.

https://www.everipedia.com/jason-brian-dalton-1732170173668679/

Buses: 
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chinatown_bus_lines
https://twitter.com/megabuscrashes

Cabs:
http://www.whosdrivingyou.org/rideshare-incidents 
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Illegal_taxicab_operation 

Planes:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2006_New_York_City_plane_crash 
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prohibited_airspace 

A "How-to" Guide for New York

I've joked about creating a pamphlet for new New Yorkers for years, witness as I've been over the years to a certain amount of crimes that are wholly unnecessary, but I've been told by more than one person that "common sense isn't so common" and I've certainly found that to be true. You'd be amazed how many horribly performing people there truly are in the world, major businesses included. Once I quickly got my bearings in business (because I had to), I spent a lot of time observing the human condition as I went about my day.

You see, unlike the "diva" designer who is only qualified to set type in a layout, I was trained to do just about anything, which naturally opened me up to ridicule among less talented workers, after I graduated to begin my apprenticeship. I was prepped for it at art boot camp, where the first salvo of the day was often delivered by that famous author you read at the library, in front of some extremely wealthy diplomat's kid, so shame and embarrassment over something like hard work became impossible for me to feel in any workflow.

Unlike putting on typical "airs" about being a native New Yorker (another way of "separating the wheat from the chaff" among so many avidly striving out-of-towners seeking fame and fortune in our fair city), I just did the work, like my forefathers who built this city. I didn't talk endlessly about it, because I worked with people who wouldn't have been able to understand or tolerate any of our real history (in lieu of so much posing and phony posturing), so most of the time I listened and spoke only when necessary, which is a great survival strategy for anyone working in a town full of strangers that you already own, they just didn't know it....yet. Today you do!

After so much time spent listening to other people's fantasies about who they want you to think they are, I would slowly drink my pint (that was put to scrutiny too, for not "being fast enough" around certain desperate yenta's from Long Island who needed that second round badly to try and keep pace, or conversely for being "too fast" to a certain type of reticent, slow-witted people out west) and take it in, as part of my ongoing studies about the human condition. I became a sort of covert cultural anthropologist without really knowing it, and in your repetition I became a master of the human arts.

And so, without much further ado, I present to you my fairly glib but actually totally valid list about rules to New York City living, for the slow and the stupid, as well as the rich and insane. You thirsty natives already know what to do, so do it.

#1 - Do not spit on the subway tracks. Chinatown, this means you. We will fine and ticket you for it, plus it's totally disgusting, which is part of the point, I'm sure. Next time we're on Mainland China, I'll be sure to spray Lysol around while ripping off your dumb face masks. Getting a fucking grip! If you don't like us "Gweilo", then go home. Good luck not starving to death in a labor camp. NO SPITTING.

#2 - Do not ride the subway after midnight, especially if you are a woman. If you can't afford the cab fare home, don't go out with your co-workers who may want you drunk and vulnerable on a train ride by yourself. Pickpockets like drunks asleep on the subway, too. 

#3 - Look both ways before crossing our city streets. This is mandatory. You can be run over by a passing car, cab, truck, or biker in a second, and not even know what hit you. Dumb-ass. Stay home!

#4 - Stand against a pile-on while waiting for a train to come into the station to avoid the crazies, like rouge slashers (yes, I follow the local news) and phantom pushers of people onto train tracks. Plus, you'll line up with the car doors, because conductors use them to align the trains. You're welcome. Assholes.

#5 - Yes, there are maps and schedules for subways, but things happen quickly to underground trains that are hundreds and hundreds of years old immediately after leaving Brooklyn Yard. Adjust for it, muthfucka, or just fucking leave. People get sick, trains derail, rains flood low-lying areas (duh, you dick) and shit just simply breaks from all the use. Get a fucking grip, and always leave ahead of time to reach your destination. Dick!

#6 - Expect serious delays and re-routing on the weekends, because that's when we service those trains you take for granted, shit-head. Expect to tack on additional travel time, because you will have to run an obstacle course so severe, people get panic attacks over it. Really. We can't do a lot of rail work during commuting hours, because millions of jobs and lives depend on our labors, so again, just fucking deal. Ass. Stay home!

#7 - Watch your bag and wallet AT ALL TIMES, no matter where you are in the city. Urban areas are rife with crime, just like Rome, London, or Tokyo, you ignorant fucking hick. Keep an eye on your purse!

#8 - This goes without saying, but there is NO SLEEPING ON MASS TRANSIT. Shit pops off quickly in the fastest town on the planet, and I know your khaki-wearing, office-working ass cannot handle it. Just stay out of the way while warriors do their jobs.

#9 - Last, and not least, summertime in the city smells bad. Really fucking bad. Get out of there. We're like Europeans: the city shuts down most operations during the summer, so get out of town and enjoy it. Take a bus or train to the beach or the mountains, but just go. What do you think that bum who reeks of piss and crap smells like, simmering to a near-boil in the heat of summer? Yep, that's what it is like underground. Best to avoid it, if you can.

There you go. Now, get out there and succeed! Just think about my rules as you're crossing over the GWB, looking at the massive skyline, and remember this: we conquered all that first. We built this city.



***UPDATE*** In lieu of this morning's snow (combined with your general lack of ability to STAY HOME and have a nice three-day weekend), I'd like to add to my list of rules regarding weather and other typically human conditions:

1A - If you are not an emergency worker or crisis manager for the City of New York, nor part of our government, or the crux upon which an entire business stands, stay the fuck home. I thought that would be obvious with a Friday morning snowfall, but New Jersey, I saw you dumb fucks clogging the tolls to get onto the GWB this morning and by the looks of your vehicles, you are definitely NOT in the leading minority that runs shit, you broke-ass mutha-sumptins. Next time, stay home or the Governor will seal-off town again. Do you really want that?! No?! THEN STAY HOME. Enjoy a freakin' snow day for once...jeez...

2A - ALWAYS PUT TRASH INTO THE PROPER RECEPTACLES. Believe it or not, New Yorkers are not dirty animals who love your filth, you tourist fuck. I know you think this town is here for you to piss away your money on dumb sidewalk crap, but unlike Las Vegas, we do not like seeing topless hookers in Times Square on a weekday afternoon with children rolled around in their prams by their well-meaning parents. That is not our culture. Keep your coked-up hooker shit in Nevada where it belongs! It's legal to die there from an overdose of cocaine and several highly toxic human diseases. Here, we take the time to throw away our garbage into the many, many obvious trash cans that are all around town, along with those pretty flowerpots you see in Spring that are maintained by city workers. We care about our home. We care a lot.

3A - RECYCLE. RECYCLE. RECYCLE. It's the law, and it is mandatory. It's the way to keep our towns relatively vermin-free and our immediate environment clean, with long-term health benefits to every single living thing on this planet. You do not have a choice because (and this is key), recycling is mandatory in New York. Violate our "green-clean" ethos and we will fine the fuck out of you, chasing you all the way back to your much cheaper po-dunk town, because here we don't have time to work through your mental static when a good hard hit to the wallet is much more effective. Get it? Good!

Plastic

This year I got some beautiful stuff for Christmas, like floral bouquets, 
a wedding announcement from my dear cousin and his longtime girlfriend that's lovingly designed to be a two-sided keepsake ornament shaped as a pretty snowflake, and some cold hard cash (what any young publisher really needs), along with the usual tepid crap, like plastic cards.

What disturbs me most about it are the gaping vulnerabilities savvy companies use to exploit the mass consumer, and they do so with impunity. Here's a great example: on a recent shopping trip, I thought I expertly calculated my gift card usage down to cents, and I was right. In exchange for my shopping prowess, here's what I got back from my friendly neighborhood (and totally red-faced, embarrassed) cashier:

Wow....the a**hole is strong on this card!

That's right, the cheapskate asshole who designed this program for a local supermarket chain will not allow cashiers give back a mere .$36 in coinage to the consumer, you know, in case I went power drunk with my excess riches. Uh, thanks. And so, the average consumer gets tricked into giving cold hard cash to a faceless conglomerate instead putting it where it belongs: in the gift recipients' pocket. Not convinced by mere words? OK, let's do the math together.

For example: one very busy, successful store in my town (I actually LOVE it) sells about 1,000 of these cards in racks by each check out line, and after they're used, they each have a remaining $.36 on them. That's $360.00 profit for them, barring manufacturing costs for printing the card, and distribution to stores. Next up, 10,000 cards in my home county are sold throughout the holiday season. That's $3,600.00 for the company, and not you, the consumer, or your "loved one", and I am being generous with the amounts. Most folks leave a lot more on these types of cards, because it's too much of a pain in the ass to use up the $1 to $2 that's left on them. 

Feel me on this one? Good. I'm trusting that you understand the dynamic here, right? Great! Don't do it again. Bad shopper!  You're actually feeding an industry of crooks. Live and learn, folks, and then let's move forward together, conceptually-speaking. That's all is is.
Thank you.

Here's your homework: http://www.dailyfinance.com/2012/04/20/new-laws-mean-unused-gift-card-money-wont-be-a-gift-to-stores/ 

And: http://www.qualitylogoproducts.com/blog/secret-of-gift-cards-plastic-into-profit/