Showing posts with label tourist attractions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tourist attractions. Show all posts

Monday, November 21, 2016

Congo Square




Me and my boyfriend "Kunte Kente" spent a few of my birthdays in New Orleans, and I could tell by the way I had a feel for the city that I'd been there before, in another lifetime: the food, the music, the way I was greeted at the airport....this Acadian girl was home. Of course, I'm the original northern branch of a family tree that's stretched itself wide across this country we live in, though often not of our own choosing. The harsh heat and humidity endured by the Cajuns and Creoles who had settled in the bayou told me everything I needed to know about our history, because we're made for adversity. 

Still, the American South can be so very different from New York because of its deeply segregated past. When I took a road trip to Graceland in college, I'd never seen black folk order food from a diner just to eat it in a car parked in the parking lot outside of a restaurant. It was scary and strange to me. So, too, did New Orleans have that dividing line back in the late 90s, before the flood. I'd never seen poverty that sharply split between the fat white tourists in town, and the children who performed for them in the streets, with bottle caps on the bottoms of their shoes instead of taps.

Kent warned me that we'd be crossing more divides like the French Quarter's, if we wanted to see some of the prominent tourist attractions of New Orleans, and Congo Square was on our list of "must see" places. He and I met in a recording studio, and Kent worked as a professional musician before we met, sometimes during our relationship, too. I'd also studied the history of jazz and blues in school. Most of my music is heavy on the R&B and hip-hop, as well as the classics. We simply had to go see where it took root and spread out from the epicenter of the square to the rest of the world.

Instead of a dusty dirt square packed with drummers, we found a bunch of tidy bricks neatly arranged in a circle, and we were the only people visiting that day. The weather had turned a little rainy, though nothing frightening to us, so we spent some time walking the circles of stones in the pattern they're laid out in, like the beginning of "The Wiz" musical from Broadway. But, that wasn't the biggest part of our trip over there: it was first stopping at a dive bar to talk with a white-haired hipster about directions before we crossed a serious four-lane highway to the ghetto, before we walked past openly burning garbage cans in broad daylight and burned-out car wrecks abandoned by the side of the road, like New York City during the 70s and 80s. The dividing line between us and our destination was that clear, and that real.

Monday, September 26, 2016

Space Mountain


https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Space_Mountain  


Amusement park rides always bothered me with a bad case of "mal de mer", and so for many years I avoided them unless I took the over-the-counter meclizine pills that are sold here in the States for motion sickness. I often thought the dizziness was related to my hearing loss, and that the damage to my middle ear bones heightened the vertigo I felt during fast-spinning rides, but my father is more imapired than I am and he has great "sea legs". Oh, well. After experimenting with rides both on-and-off the pill, I knew it was best to take it an hour before any rollerocaster rides, which was about the length of the wait on the line in the summertime.

But, Disney was different. The whole place is one big tourist attraction, which meant double-dosage every morning, in anticipation of the day's events. I also had to take it while flying, which meant I arrived in a sleepy haze and stayed that way for the whole trip, before the manufacturer suddenly discovered that excessively doped-up sleepiness was a bit too much for anyone to handle well, let alone traveling children. Years later, the non-drowsy version offered me much better results. It wasn't like I had a choice about it, either. I went wherever my family decided to go, whether I wanted to or not, and they don't have the best tastes in travel, preferring easy Americanized experiences over authenticity.

With the park in Florida, everyone around me was way more excited than I was. Once I hit the water slides at our hotel, I had no idea why anyone in their right mind would choose to wait for several hours on a line in the brutally hot Floridian sun. We had all the fun we needed at the hotel pool. Why not just stay there? It was designed to funnel tourists through a series of highly choreographed "events" that eliminated pesky things like choices, because the tram to the park was right outside of our hotel. Wasn't that neat? Uh, sure. Like the subway is above ground, but with too much sun and heat. It seemed pointless.

At the time of our big family vacation that cost too much money (hence the drive towards the park everyday, with a reminder about how lucky we were to see other pale flabby tourists from New York wilt sickly in the heat), the biggest sensation was a ride called "Space Mountain"; so secretive in its marketed allure that no one at the park would disclose what the ride actually was. *SPOILER ALERT* It's an indoor rollercoaster, btw. Just like horror movie hits like "The Exorcist", we were given a build-up worthy of hell itself with caution signs like "Don't ride this if you have a heart condition", and warnings to pregnant women about the stress.

It started to freak my mom out, and then me, too. I didn't want to die. I just wanted to go on a friggin' vacation I could have fun with. I was a kid! But, once we'd passed the point of no return, and we needed to pick buddies for the ride, everyone but my dad bailed on sitting with me, in case I threw up during the ride. They debated backsplash, too. My dad just laughed at me the entire time, hitting my arm around the turns, and taking both of his arms out from behind the bar to make it extra scary, in defiance of the signs that cautioned us not to do so repeatedly. The photos of us taken during the ride were disastrous, too. My dad had on an angry red-faced smile while I looked like I was crying, as did my brothers and my mom. I was just glad it was over.

Afterwards, we talked about how the ride was just an indoor rollercoaster in the dark with some flashing lights. The hype had made it seem much scarier than it was, and I felt like I just passed a bravery test. My dad and my brothers were eager to try other scary rides, but me and my mom had enough boyish thrills for the day. We went on a pleasant little choo-choo train that offered a nice slow ride around the park, giving us a chance to see how pretty it was, without whizzing by at a blurry hundred miles an hour. The boys laughed at our "gay kiddie ride", boisterous to go around the mountain again. They'd later complain about the lines they abandoned in their search for more scares, while me and my mom went for ice cream, iced tea, and souvenir shopping. It was the best ride, yet.


Friday, April 8, 2016

Mummenschanz


http://vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/muppet/images/1/1d/Mummenschanz01.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20140221115007
http://muppet.wikia.com/wiki/Mummenschanz

My parents have sharply flagging tastes that can veer between over-the-top gayness to New York City realness, so one has to be careful when accompanying them to a show on-or-off Broadway, by vetting them with a carefully selected series of questions, and because of their savvy as hardcore city kids, we were sometimes only allowed 1-3 questions (per kid or as a group), which was preceded by a well-attended tête-à-tête with every child on hand. "Who, how, and where?!" were common kiddie questions for amateurs only, and after a few of their more excruciating choices that lasted for hours and hours on end in the darkness, broken only by badly-rushed bathroom breaks with adult-only drinks and snacks, you did indeed learn how to vet.

Are there masks involved? NO! That sounds gay and scary. Is there any dancing? Mmmm.....sort of. No! Don't do it! It could be one of the worst ballets with men-in-tights dressed as fairies exposing certain body parts you don't want to see. But, on good days (and matinees are good signs for children forced to go along with their parents sing-song delusions), you might score "The Ice Follies" with Snoopy and Woodstock (cute!), or "The Harlem Globetrotters" (totally awesome!), instead of rank-ass shit that's barely above street-level quality.

Because our brave native populace is assaulted every day by something as ordinary as commuting to some boring Monday-through-Friday, 9-5 desk job (something that barely registers a blip elsewhere on the U.S. map), you have to be extremely sharp about your recreational time. If you've ever been seven years old and sat in an opera so loudly screamingly bad (that you wish the fat lady would just shut up and die already), and it's hour three into it, you know what I mean. One bad experience can turn you off from serious tourist fare for good, if not until your own child-bearing years. It hurts that much.

And because we're often beset by a series of obstacles so severe that we call our lives an ongoing "stress test", we're used to the douchiest dirt-bags around. It should be blatantly obvious that we hold mimes in very low regard, because being made fun of by some silently mocking dick does nothing to calm you down from the lunchtime walk you used to stave off punching out that fucking hyped-up dick of a salesmen who thinks he has real balls hiding behind his higher-up at your design meeting. You know the one; you present books that sell, to cover their fucking salaries. Yeah! That'd be the one.

Being mocked by some foreign guy in white face-paint and a black turtleneck with a sneeringly French attitude is like he's begging us to have his beret knocked off his quietly mouthing fucking face, you know? It ain't fun. And they sometimes stand in your way, too! Back in our day, we had the crazy hard time of begging off this particular group of weird Euros who stood on stage pulling pieces of little paper off of the fucking distorted face masks; silently, of course. Oh, G-d no! It's like taking a holiday picture on the lap of a drunk, sweating molester-type of adult at the local mall. It's always "PASS" if you're asked upfront about it, by the way.

There were other crazy-gay acts to come along; some bad and some not-so-bad, but all came with a certain amount of out-of-town gayness that immediately lets you know how they (the artistes on stage) feel about you, the home-crowd. They fucking hate you! That's why their shows suck so bad. Then there's those dudes with more face paint wearing all-black outfits and weird blue paint-can splashes pouring out of steel drums (no thanks), and the gay circus acts from Montréal (actually, that I could see), but all come with a hefty price tag that further puts you in the hole you live in, existing paycheck-to-paycheck as we do.

Me? At the end of my latest stint in the city, I preferred rolling around on some blue BJJ mats to the homegrown sounds of subway bucket drummers (those cats fucking rock the house), the violinist from "The Met" using Grand Central Station for acoustics practice on her day off (really, they do that), and those amazing beat box kids who can swing around a moving pole on a speeding train like they're born to be in the Harlem Dance Theater's best-of-the-best, because they are. They are that good, those native kids. You go! Go, now!

My recommends, plebes. Enjoy the show!
http://www.dancetheatreofharlem.org/
http://www.elinefleury.com/#!Bucket-drumming-in-the-New-York-City-Subway-station/c1zq5/55a41a050cf21636d2fd403a
http://gothamist.com/2015/06/29/two_showtime_dancers_give_us_the_lo.php
http://web.mta.info/mta/aft/gct/keepingtime.html
http://www.harlemglobetrotters.com/
http://www.barclayscenter.com/events/detail/disney-on-ice-presents-frozen


P.S. - I'd like to take this post to also remind you that the real thing is always better than some cheap (and not-so-cheap) imitation. Case in point, my man who walked between The Towers has a phenomenally moving and spiritual documentary about what it really felt like that easily trumps the hammy Hollywood version. Check it out! https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Man_on_Wire


Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Show Tunes


{{{image_size}}}
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Showtune_%28musical%29

My parents have some of the worst tastes in gay Broadway musicals that I've ever encountered outside of heterosexuality, which sometimes makes me question them on the daily. I grew up with all of their overly-dramatic albums and accompanying soundtracks for crappy hits like "Hair" ("Haaaiiirrrrr...the sunshine...the....sunnnn...shines...iiinnnn!"), "Jesus Christ Superstar" ("What's the fuss? Tell me what's a-happening...what's the fuss....tell me what's a-happening..."), and the really bad suburban off-Broadway dinner theater on Friday night that's annoyingly repetitive. 

I can recite and/or sing almost all of their bad art, in an overdone "American Idol" type of up-and-down warbling that goes ONNNohhhhoohhhhohannnddddOHHNNNN!!! It's actually really bad singing, because it's lacks the technique and authenticity of much better singers who can break their voices mid-song to improvise with the riffing back-up band, unlike those terrible show-ponies trained to bust vocal chords while on tour, over and over again. Who cares, right? You're only in town for the weekend.

In addition to this questionably suspect and obviously gay facet of their musical lives, my mom occasionally thinks it's fun to torture me with her paper hoarding by pretending to me during clean-ups (after yet another bad bone break) that her old unsigned "Playbills" might be worth something on eBay, because my parents like to mess with me during their down-cycles. She also shoved a plastic baggie at me filled with those badly done ceramic animals that you get when you buy the big-ass package of tea bags, because she HAS TO have tea at the same time every day. After that false pretense (I had to make a show of pretending to care, by looking up her poorly-made animals online), she went back to sticking the weird little animals into her potted plants, where they rightfully belong.

It's not that I care overmuch about their sexuality or poor choices in art, it's just that New York kids are slammed with enough "out-of-towner" shit made for tourists. We don't need it at home, too! Some of their music is really great (like their Beatles albums and "Le Jazz Hot"), and some of it is just simply blah-blah-blah mental-patient "sing-alongs" any crazy nitwit can do, if only we would willingly injure ourselves by singing it for them compulsively, fifty times in a row, for the exact same badly-dressed matinee attendees (cheaper with their AARP discount) , and I am not willing to be their soothing fodder. Ya dig? 

Ravenous public, your homework today:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oversinging
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vocal_fold_nodule 
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vocal_cord_paresis
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spasmodic_dysphonia
BUSTED!

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Kalifornia




Back in the late 70s, my dad took us to California with him on a typical cable t.v. business trip, probably so he could go to a convention or something dull like that. We stayed at a large, bland hotel in L.A., with absolutely nothing original or interesting about it at all, then to the San Diego Zoo (like any other white tourist), a stop at the Chinese Theater to see the handprints of dead "stars" from their era we didn't know (I got a green plastic Buddha bank there, because it was either that as a souvenir or the squashed penny thing) and then my dad wanted to see some western-flavored crap, like the stuffed Triggers he liked as a kid, because he always wanted to be a cowboy. 

We got free t-shirts (mine reads "mighty Mouse" in this photo) and might have had an achingly generic time, if we hadn't insisted on tacking on a visit to one very special editor of cool magazines for kids (http://mariedoucette.blogspot.com/2011/10/monsters-inc.html), because we wrote ahead of time and had our parents arrange it for us. We were down like that: you gotta be savvy New York kids to have a good time, you know? And we were hungry, thirsty lil' devils at that. You can see I'm wearing my brother's hand-me-down jeans (I did not grow up with money) with a hastily-bought and standout gay-colored visor, because I couldn't fucking stand the unrelenting sun out there. I also made my mom buy me some crappy (and also very gay) kiddie shades at the zoo, because I was absolutely miserable: it was hot, crowded, boring, and always fucking sunny. Every day was exactly like the day before it: dry as a bone and dusty. We hated Southern California with a passion that has not dulled with time or age.

Which brings me back to the gripping cranky tone of this piece, because every fucking year we have to see on t.v. how your summer is "THE HOTTEST EVER!", with records temps (!!!), and raging wildfires!! But, guess what asshole? We fucking know you have fires every year because (and this is key) WE KNOW THAT YOU CHOOSE TO LIVE IN A DESERT. That's right, some asshole New Yorker has finally told you the truth, because it's been your truth since well, the last Ice Age: you live in a fucking desert. I promise not to remind you that water is wet, and that it snows here in wintertime, if you decide to finally shut the fuck up about your idiotic choices, and move the fuck on from the glaringly obvious fact that you have stupidly chosen to NOT live near freshwater that's easily replenishable, and/or build your stupid fucking McMansion on stilts smartly built on a precarious cliff-side that either burns in the summer or floods in the spring....each and every fucking year.


So, that would be a resounding "NO!" to the age-old question of "Do we feel bad?" as Northerners forced to watch dry grass burn on some fucking semi-arid hillside every year, at the exact same time. You have the option to move, like any sane human does, by following available and easily sustainable water sources, like humanity has done for millennia. We also don't feel bad that corrupt assholes with a douchey Euro sense of self-entitlement want to drain Lake Mead like it's their g-ddamn bathtub, because dicks like you in Vegas want hookers, blow, and air conditioning on near-constant demand in a nonstop underground twilight that's your fucking compulsive gambling dysfunction du jour. Get with the program, and fuck you. 

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Going to Graceland



We were much more Beatles fans than Elvis fans growing up in my household, a distinction in tastes sharply noted in "Pulp Fiction", in an infamous scene between John Travolta and Uma Thurman. My college boyfriend was an Elvis fan from Brooklyn, which is sort of like being an urban cowboy. It didn't fit, but he liked to cop tastes contrary to the norm to appear different, like sporting a beret or wearing an ascot.

And so I found myself going to Graceland one summer, on an epic road trip that spanned the South to my Dad's place in West Texas. I love road trips, finding them much more preferable to horribly bumpy and terribly turbulent flights that go against the Gulf Stream, a fact that was confirmed for me when my Colorado boyfriend began private pilot lessons. It's gotten worse, too, from compulsive over-travelling brought on by a runner's type of fast pace neurosis that's as addictive as their high sugar and highly caffeinated lifestyles. Chemtrails are the sign that you've polluted the sky, you ugly American.

My exes would fight me on my American preference for the open road, but given my quickness of mind, I usually won out, as I did in this case, because my Brooklyn boyfriend didn't have a driver's license or a car. He was captive to me and my advanced skill sets, a state of affairs that never abated during our acquaintance, much to his chagrin. I made the Shenandoah Valley in Virginia my first day driving, to a smog-filled summer's day that took the wind out of my sails for the rest of the trip. Going to some tourist trap to see the housed remnants of a overdosed singer I never really liked? Great. What a way to spend my summer.

Two days later, I brought us to the state of Tennessee, for a tour of Elvis Presley's house. My very stoned boyfriend was so out of it from getting high in the parking lot, he blurted out that he wanted to see "EVERYTHING!", when the ticket agent asked him which tour he wanted. We'd been flagged by the golf cart security duo as outsiders, for walking towards the house from the graffitied walls outside the grounds, when you were supposed to know to go across the street to buy a ticket, even though no signs were posted with instructions to do so. When he found out that it would cost us over $150 (in 1988, on a working class college kid's budget), he blanched white, and in an embarrassed whispered aside, I told him to just do the house tour.

It was horrible. Priscella still lived in the top floors when she was in town, so we went past his recording studio and racketball court to an impromptu grave site in their backyard, which gave me a blessed moment of silence among the weird hick crowd, who worshipped him like he was some sort of demigod. They also toured his tour buses, his car collection, his costumes, his airplane collection (one of which was named the "Lisa Marie"), and a movie theater that showed his films exclusively. I half-heartedly bought a couple of tepid souvenirs in the gift shop, and then we got back on the road.

My naive New York City boyfriend didn't know how much trouble I steered him out of, until we stopped at a gas station in Mississippi, with a visibly pregnant (and cigarette smoking) woman talking with the clerk behind the counter. They both narrowed their eyes at us when we walked in, eyeballing his dopey "CULTURE" t-shirt, with the word emblazoned over a picture of 70s rhinestone jumpsuit Elvis visiting the White House, posing with Nixon in the Oval Office and shaking hands. He wanted to make an ironic hipster statement that was cutesy "tongue in cheek", and definitely not appreciated by them, which was backed up by our brief exchange with the rural couple at the counter.

The large beer-bellied clerk said to him: "What does that t-shirt mean, boy?" My young boyfriend nervously deferred to him with two palms up, in a conciliatory gesture: "Oh, we've just been to Graceland. It was awesome!." I paid for the gas and asked for smokes, while the two hicks pondered his statement. After a very long pause with continued staring, the large man finally said to us: "Well, we worship him around these here parts." And with that, we were back on the road, albeit with a much more sober and quiet white kid from the city sitting next to me.

Happy trails to you America, on all of your summer road trips. For most of the masses, this is prime vacation season. Just be sure to steer clear of rural areas that worship dead, drug-addicted rock stars. See you 'round the way, mes amis.


http://nsarchive.gwu.edu/nsa/elvis/elnix.gif
CULTURE