Someone emailed me yesterday that I didn't look good in my "photo of the day" because it was a candid shot: my hair looked "messy" (I have naturally curly hair) and I looked "tired". Ironically, it was the same day I posted a link on Illuminations' Facebook page about cheesy glamour shots from mall photographers. http://www.buzzfeed.com/whitneyjefferson/12-ways-to-get-the-best-glamour-shot. They say design tells the truth while advertising lies, and since I don't lie, I can tell you is this: I take self-portraits for many reasons, but I also want my audience to see the real me so they aren't disappointed when they meet me, not that anyone is. Part of the deep, dark secret between female relationships is envy, hidden as concern. It gives a woman the freedom to lash out at her prettier sister while hiding behind another agenda. Many women brutally compete with each other without being aware of it, because they have been fed a steady diet of images all their lives. They've been told over and over about how they should look and act. No wonder there are so many unhappy women!
For the record, let me write this: I know I am beautiful, and I know that I am human. Beauty is not a guarantee for perfection—I do not live a pain-free, problem-free life. I have pores, I have skin with actual texture, and so does the rest of me. I am NOT some fake, mass-produced fembot artificially created, altered and enhanced just for your viewing pleasure. I do self-portraits because I want to see myself in different lights. It's a timeline of who I was on that day, and what I was feeling. Many of us have given the power of our images away to the media, but not me. I seek to be the first to define my image as I see fit, because as an artist, I have the ability to do so. The cheapest and first model most budding artists have is their reflection. What better way to learn about portraiture than looking in the mirror? I've done more unflinching self-reflection than most people ever will, and it gives me a sense of comfort. There's the chicken pox scar right in the center of my forehead. I once had a tarot reader stop me as I walked by, to tell me that I was extremely blessed to have a "Third Eye" because of the insight it gives me, and that's true—I do see more than most.
There are people who have never seen a photo of a human that isn't a retouched, digital composite of pixels. There are also crazy people working in media who use their job to craft images based on their fantasies. I had a friend (no longer of my acquaintance) who visited me in the studio one day and picked up a photographer's promo card from my inspiration board that she said she didn't like. She does work as a high end retoucher for fashion and beauty advertising, or as she sadly described it to me: "I get paid to airbrush out peoples' ass fat and put it into their lips." She told me that she would totally re-do the card to "smooth it out". I was baffled. It was a shot of an athletic woman from the back: she was in an evening gown flexing her arms, standing on a pier over water as the sun set, a gorgeous moment in time. "Smooth what out?", I asked. "All these 'bumps' on her back! See, like here and here," she pointed them out to me. "You mean her muscles?", I clarified. "Well, yeah. I don't know. I just want to make her whole back smooth." I was concerned for her. She was struggling with personal problems, and she was admitting to me that her job had warped her ability to see people clearly. It was a chilling moment for me. I realized my friend has more serious mental issues than I thought.
You see, she was deep into internet dating and still unhappily single in her 40s: never had a long-term relationship, no engagements or marriages, no live-in boyfriends, none of that. She was using software to digitally airbrush other friends' photos for online dating, too. The scary part was, she wasn't making the connection between her distortions at work and the perceptions she was forcing onto the viewing public. She had one bad date after another. One man flat out told her that it was nasty of her to use an old photo when she was younger and thinner because it was false advertising. I call that the ole "bait and switch" and it is a lowdown dirty trick that reeks of insecurity. Another man flatly refused to date her again until she lost weight. You would think after all that bad feedback, she would connect her work with the poor reactions she was getting out there in the real world, but she never did. Sure, she met some jerks online, but the reality is, she's not representing herself as she truly is. She's a beautiful lady, but she wants a JFK Jr. stand-in, and that's not the kind of man who will want her back. She consistently reaches out to shallow rich guys into perfectionism, who want the stereotypical trophy wife (plastic surgeries be damned), and my former friend is not that—in truth she is so much more.
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| Me, without airbrushing. |
I hope some day she gets the message but until then, I'll be here taking pictures of myself and marking time. I started taking self-portraits as a teen in college and I love looking back at those old, grainy black and white shots. Are they model head shots, awfully awkward Sears photos, cheesy and depressing "Glamour Shots" from some suburban strip mall, or canned smiley class pictures? No, they are not those things. They are so much more than that. They are the real me. So, here I am, in the middle of a work day at home, with no make-up on, at 42 years old. I guess I must be out of the loop with the rest of society, because I think I look damn good ;)
How do you feel about yourself today?
