Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Palette Knife

 


Judging by the amount of press "celebrities" receive for their illegal exploits, it's no surprise that they've co-opted t.v. for their publicity purposes, by using their prison mugshots as their latest head shot, and their crimes as the press that nabs producers looking for a "hot" star, as long as they can get insurance for a project that'll cover an abusive alcoholic who sometimes sets random fires. (Thanks for that, Bart). What's the point in reigning it in? They get as much attention for their misdeeds as they do for their phony charities, set up as tax shelters to funnel their money into. What does it matter if it's "good" or "bad"? That's entertainment! It's a twisted kind of logic.

And those are just the psychopaths who know how to channel their inner demons into violent emotions onscreen, as if on cue. You don't want to meet Special Ed/Needs without a drama queen attached to it. Much. Less. Fun. My younger cousin with autism (and a few other serious brain disorders) learned early to fake emotions by spewing crocodile tears that seemed to clear up as soon as your head turned away from him. That was even scarier, because his face fell into a dead mask with nothing behind the eyes, the heart of mental illness itself.

Because he hid his mental disorders behind closed doors (and his family refused to talk about his problems), life itself was acting to him. It was all fake, because he lives in a disassociated state of surreal unreality and, kids, if you think that sounds like some sort of fun party trick, let me assure you, it is not a good ride. Schizophrenic sufferers randomly hallucinate screaming, streaking black shadows right in the middle of a typical day, or because they were stressed out when you asked them a direct question made with appropriate eye contact.

He simply didn't know what to feel, or when to feel it, or why it was happening, and what he should do about it. It was either freak-show fireworks or nothing; temper tantrums or dead numbness. With brain disorders, patients don't understand what's happening, let alone how to process the strong feelings that are a normal part of  life. It's the range of experiences that completely throw them into illness. Imagine this: you think about a rather stressful but common event (like paying bills or going to the dentist), and just thinking about it causes you to have excruciating pains throughout your body, starting with your head. Can't imagine it? Neither can I, but that's what a mental illness does. Thinking = pain.

For addictive disorders, it's a deadly combination of personality defects, character flaws, mental instability, physical handicap, learning impairments, and emotional misfiring. I've seen psychosis in people who vacillate between a depressive blankness to a caffeinated, motor-mouthed mania, up close and personal, because we all have. Every single person on this planet knows someone in their family sickened with these illnesses, because we're the healthy ones who take care of them. Or avoid them. Or they avoid us, the next time they "fall off the wagon" (again) because it rained yesterday, and you weren't "nice" to them, or "sensitive" enough to meet their needs that always take precedence over yours, because you're healthy and they're not.

As with the most adept family member, the burden falls onto the healthiest person, who then becomes the crux upon which the balance of the entire family rests, or not, as the case may be, as it is with me. If mama ain't doin' well, ain't nobody doin' well, get it? It's a message that I have to constantly reinforce with my sick family (and there's a lot of them), by reminding them accurately of my timeline and theirs, which seems like a magical parlor trick to the insane, when it's really called "memory", and it's a normal thing to have. On most days, the  emotional range I will get back from my sickest family members will be like a game of "Spin The Wheel in Hell!", because they find mature subject matter <spin the wheel> "bad", or "sad", or is it "mad"?

And that's it. That's sometimes all I will get from the people I raised/grew up with (besides avoidance and communication blackouts), which is my direct cue that they have become sick in my absence again, and then it's time for me to perform Anne Sullivan to their Helen Keller (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anne_Sullivan), except instead of an inner super-genius, I have to get them to react to basic skills like caring and sharing, so I don't starve to death. Weird, right? You should try it sober. Like most heads-of-household, it's only by the grace of G-d and my own hard-working excellence that I avoided their diseases and addictions, because it turns out that you can't actually beat the life out of someone who's healthy. I'm living proof of that.

Yesterday, I watched a chilling episode of an old t.v. show called "American Justice" that highlighted a psychotic man who decided the only way out of his "problems" was to kill his entire family. He calmly ate breakfast, shot his wife, dragged her body to their empty ballroom (he felt "pressure" to provide for his family), then talked to his elderly mother who inquired after the noise. That's when he shot her in the head, too, but he had to leave her where she was, because she was too heavy for him to carry, and that stressed him out more. He also shot his children as they arrived home from school one-by-one, though the soccer-playing boy didn't drop right away like the other two, so he HAD TO shoot him ten times instead.

We know all of this detail about his hideous crimes because he sat down after dinner (killing is tiring, but he was feeling relaxed now that his "problems" were gone), and wrote a five page letter to his pastor, full of bullshit, half-truths, lies, excuses, finger-pointing, and blame. He left his dead family on plastic tarps in the ballroom that he felt "pressured" to buy for them, because his mother supposedly nagged him into becoming successful, then he withdrew thousands of dollars from the family's bank account (he said he was bankrupt and that was the last straw, after being fired again for aberrant behavior at work), and then he disappeared for fifteen years. He was finally free!

After his time on the road, he even married again, happily changing his name to avoid capture, working as an accountant (he blamed his OCD personality disorder for the killing spree, after finally being correctly diagnosed by a court-appointed psychiatrist, because in his arrogant delusion he never thought, "Gee, I should go talk to someone like my doctor"), and then appearing on the show to give his point of view. In between monotone recounts of a story he's told a million times (he loved the show "America's Most Wanted" and bragged to his co-workers about it, which led to his capture, like every other common criminal before him), he finally broke out into the gleeful laughter that played around his mouth the entire time he told his side of the story.

You see, he enjoyed it. He loved the fact that he excellently executed his demented plan, so much so, that he was disappointed by the lack of attention. He loved the artist rendition of him as an old man shown on "his" episode of A.M.W.; he couldn't believe how accurate it was. It looked just like him! He didn't know they had aging technology like that, told with a cagey look to his watery eyes. He knew he couldn't cop an insanity plea because of the calmly meticulous planning behind his sick crimes, but he tried it in court anyway. Worth a shot, right? I mean, as long as the cameras were rolling, why not give it a "go"? Maybe someone in "T.V. Land" would feel bad for him. Heck, he might even get married again!  He had the rest of his life to live.



 

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Kiki's Delivery Service


https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kiki%27s_Delivery_Service

As far as experiences go, nothing quite beats a native New Yorker in business. Like I've written, we meet all kinds here, as every kind of human (and their artifacts) currently living on planet earth is within our bounds. We have the United Nations (diplomatic immunities gladly exploited, especially when it comes to free parking in the city: http://www.un.org/en/index.html), plus every type of scholar, and that's just the folks from the rest of the world. For most Americans, New York City represents the top tier of excellence for art and design, academics and scholarship, trade and big business. We are the world's capital, known here as "The Empire State" (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Origin_of_the_name_%22Empire_State%22): the thriving heart of culture and commerce as it intersects with humanity.

Quite a heady build-up, isn't it? More than a million people have passed through before giving up, seriously smitten and then bitten by the bite of the biggest apple society has to offer. Mick Jagger famously wrote about watching out for the maggots, because Central Park is dangerous, and so are the tranny hookers carrying sharp blades. I saw a cable t.v. show about Amish youth looking to break from their cultural isolation, with one girl's infamous statement that she felt she could die just trying to cross a street here, because it happens every single day in Gotham. It was a good vibe for her to pick up on right away.


I'm sometimes awed by the size of it, as almost inhuman in scale, until I feel the rhythm of it pulse through my veins, and I'm hooked once again on the jazz that it thrums to, with its subway rumbling that shakes the sidewalk above, and the passing bright yellow colors of the cabs as punctuation marks to the greatest city on earth. But then I feel it in my blood, and the quick patter of feet on the pavement reminds me that I walked these streets first, as I disappear underground to an entire netherworld of trains that you'd be lost within, behind a plume of steam that streams out of the potholes in wintertime.

So it was for me at work, too, as I endured the gross hipness of Americans from out-of-town who tried so hard to be "cool" like me that it hurt, and sometimes it physically did, like it did with one gay creative director and his infamously public fetishes. As a house, we had art directors who did their own mechanicals and production work, but not "Charles". He airily dropped a bunch of illustrations in pieces onto my desk when I was a production assistant, so I could do his work, which didn't wash with my boss at all. She ordered me to kick it back to him for proper mounting on a board with tissues and overlays and color values marked up, because we still did some hand-work in the 90s for printers, as digital layouts took over in a gradual process. 

I knew he'd use the opportunity to be a bitch to me, because of my underling status as an apprentice, so I craftily recruited my friend (a well-known and respected cover designer), to tell him the truth while I stood by. We avoided a typically nasty scene from him that day (he often denigrated you for not knowing how to do his job, because he was cripplingly insecure), as he customarily dropped it on his assistant's desk to finish, without giving her any credit. Back then, any art director or creative director could take all of your design work and get credit for it on the book's cover credits (if there even were any on it at all), or for any award shows your cover art might be submitted to. 

It was yet another layer of sublimation of our egos into the work itself, but for a lot of spoiled American kids, this diversion of attention from themselves took getting used to, and Charles "LaRue" was typical for his pampered Baby Boomer set. He told us a bunch of wildly gay stories that I think he mistakenly thought would shock a room full of city kids and art school attendees. Unfortunately for him, he was a few generations too late for us. Our editors took 3-5 martini lunches on the company's dime that they didn't return from, while their managing editors got high in the bathrooms occasionally, as we went to see movies mid-afternoon during the industry's summer slump. 

Production people were practically having their in-vitro lesbian babies right in front of us during our weekly meetings, while "out" grandpa's proudly sported their pink triangle buttons as later-in-life queers. Sorry, pops. Guess you got passed by? But Charles didn't stop there. When we ignored his airy comings-and-going as part of his bitchy ways, he upped the ante further with his showy antics, and that was in-between the rantings and ravings of the crazy butch design director who famously made out with her lesbian lover at the annual Christmas party we had the Toy Center, sporting a pair of bright red suspenders to go with her mustache and crew cut. Uh huh...well-played, sir.

So, Charles staged an ever-increasing series of events to get himself fired, because he was still contractually-obliged to show up to this dreadful job that included: a yearly clothing allowance, free car service rides to-and-from work whenever he wanted them, huge photography budgets for cover direction that he still blew because he isn't a real artist or designer (oops), and then there was his special little messenger service. By now, our publishing house was so queer that the gayest editor in town started an imprint called "Stonewall Books" to support the community's need for over-dramatics and hysteric storytelling, and this was "pre-Charles".

With him onboard, the growing gay contingent at our happily growing house went haywire. It was too much competition for us to openly support, and the hanging-on posers in the workflow didn't help. He had to go, and we all knew that, but girlfriend did throw some fireworks around first, like the delusional queen he is. One afternoon, I noticed a buff-looking Italian-type queer (think Freddy Mercury) walk out of his office, but I just figured he was there for Charles. Closed-doors didn't even work with us anymore either, because half of the design department kids had sex after hours on the couch in his office, like we assumed he did in the middle of the day. Eh?

It actually took the noticing of my art director friend for me to register more than shock, and that was only because he stopped by to talk to Charles, lingering around my desk for the wait while his door was closed in a private meeting. Divas...sigh...Out breezed past us a short tan man with the shortest pair of cut-off jeans I'd ever seen, tight enough to showcase his bulge. I thought he was just a boyfriend, but no. No, it was far weirder than that, because my designer friend had to finally break the truth to me: Charles didn't use our company messenger service in the mailroom that we had on staff for such purposes. No, girlfriend was so queer that he had to have his very own GAY MESSENGER SERVICE. "Yeah", Henry told me laughing, "last week the same gay guy walked by me wearing these tight red spandex hot pants, like the kind people wore in discos during the 70s!" Damn, son. I missed that one! Must have been at a meeting instead.




Monday, May 16, 2016

Color Blind


https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_dress_%28viral_phenomenon%29

I don't subscribe overly much to trends, or "memes", or cutesy jargon. It doesn't help me or my audience to be too specific about a subject that's relatively easy for anyone to understand, or at least "easy" as it's viewed by the most literate people on Planet Earth. Sometimes I get caught in whirlpools of astonishment and bewilderment watching t.v. (which occasionally deepens into embarrassment and/or anger for all of you uneducated messes, living out there in "T.V. Land") that reflect my advanced education and prolonged work experience in such a profound way, I simply can't entertain the discussion as relevant or useful, and that's when I know you've been sold a bunch of total fucking bullshit.

Last summer, a dressmaker decided to time the sale of their knockoff dresses for prom season to the award show red carpets and your unfortunate color blindness, which, to an expert visual communicator like me, is a really fucking nasty thing to do. As soon as I saw the image pictured above, I immediately said "blue and black" and I knew I was right. I cannot be (and could not have been, in chronological order) an artist, designer, art director, or publisher without my great eyes, and failing that, entire sectors of my industry are devoted to achieving correct color matching results. Most desktops use RGB color mode for the Internet (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/RGB_color_model) and CMYK for print (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/CMYK_color_model), reflecting the pixels and paint used in the two processes.

If you blow up an image in digital imaging software, you can see the blocks of color that comprise a digital color photograph.You can then select an eyedropper tool in Photoshop (really $$$ high-end professional-grade software) to break down the color values into separate divisions of red, green, or blue (for the Internet), or cyan, magenta, yellow, and black (or "K" in printing). We also have color chip manufacturers that produce tear-off swatches that we attach to layouts, in case we feel further color clarifications are needed.

Color separations are an art of their own, woefully ignorant as the public is to such practices. CMYK color values are available for any color we see as humans, rendered into palette chips that we detach from very expensive color books, for the purposes of paint mixing at the color separators. For really tough material that needs extreme accuracy (like museum-quality reproductions of famous artwork well-known for their colors), we build even more steps into the proofing process. But, that's print. In the digital world, you are much more vulnerable to suggestion and the crudeness of a programs' blocks of computer coding used to simulate color onscreen, which is much less sophisticated than the human eye, and that's the trap you all fell into.


After launching a dress campaign timed to the ball gown season of the pop culture world, the maker(s) generated a few more images to create a fake online debate that would drive up the sales of their dresses by driving traffic to their site, which is something that's actionable in my world of better ethics, but that's show business for you. Not exactly known for its morality, if you get my drift, and I know that you do. After a series of gradually lighter jpegs were posted online, the color blind people of the world went nuts, which is one of the meanest things I've ever seen in manufacturing. It points to the desperation of dressmakers and show biz people in this new economy, as a digital marketplace where the truth will "out" you in a few nanoseconds after publication.

For me, any jpeg online (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/JPEG) is simply a digital image that I can potentially pull into imaging software to color match, which not one single person or entertainment news reporter that contributed to this phony scan did. Not one. Not one of you "outed" it as a scam, so that you could all enjoy the benefits of increased traffic to your show or site, which makes you complicit in the extreme, so I'm telling you this right now: if you see anything besides a blue dress with black lace trim, get your eyes checked. You are severely vision-impaired or color blind. And you're welcome, by the way. Also, welcome to wide world of desktop publishing as the new international language for the visual arts, plebes. It's "old school": https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pantone.

Your homework for today, lemmings:
-    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Color_printing
-    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Digital_printing
-    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Color_blindness
-    http://pantone.wikia.com/wiki/Pantone_Color_Matching_System 
-    http://pantone.wikia.com/wiki/Pantone_Wiki

I fear for you...somewhat.

Friday, May 13, 2016

The Physics of Faith

http://vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/memoryalpha/images/9/9c/Balok_first.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20110425202334&path-prefix=en

Back in the 80s, we still found it fun to believe (somewhat) in aliens, spaceships, far-away galaxies, and groovy shows about star-trekking explorers from famous 60s-era t.v. shows. In fact, it was still so popular, one enterprising professor at Oneonta State decided to capitalize on the infamy behind such grand delusions by advertising a physics class with "Star Trek" placed cleverly in the class title. Aha!

Me, my friend "Weeg" (Hi, Kirk!), and my boy "DutchBoy" (Esse!) decided to take the class together, and we swore before the semester started that we would attend every class "high", meeting before each class to smoke a joint. As far as stoner's plans go, you can imagine that we did not adhere to a strict schedule of attendance or party planning, but we were there for the very first class sitting together, wasted and ready for our next alien encounter to begin. Beam us up!

Our professor was a rather modest, drab-looking older man in his late 50s, bald, with a droopy pocket-protector full of pens to go with his plain white button-down shirt and saggy black pants. Here we go! Game on, friend. He introduced himself to us with a bit about his background: he used to work for S.E.T.I. (right on right on, we gave each other encouraging smiles), now defunct as an organization, which he laughingly explained as to his presence at our small upstate New York college in the Catskill Mountains (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catskill_Mountains). Okay, that explained why he was here. But, like, how many times has he been probed on-board "The Mothership"? You know? Some key data was missing, here.

We met after class to talk it over, using our childish fantasies to explain away his bland demeanor about our starry-eyed dreams of space exploration. Okay, like, maybe he's just burnt-out from teaching all year (yeah, yeah) or getting kicked out of the space program? Nah! He's probably just scared that they'll come back for him and take him away for more testing because he talked to us about it. Yeah! That's it! That's totally it! You could imagine his hesitance about having more invasive anal procedures done by unfeeling mutant aliens. I mean, that would freak out anyone, right?


Yeah, I don't know...our whole pot-smoking-in-space vibe was quickly coming apart at the seams, confronted by the real science of scanning the skies in a vast universe too big for our calculations. This wasn't the sexy "Barberella" movie version my boys were looking for. As the semester progressed, we tenuously clung to our rapidly evaporating faith in all things alien, but we continued to bolster each other up in rather a adolescent fashion that belied our need for supportive theories. Maybe he's, like, an alien come here to gradually introduce his culture to us, and, like, he's gonna rip off his human face mask to reveal his gnarly reptilian face to us at the last class! No way! That's totally it.

We grooved on the belief that our teacher was really a visiting alien in disguise—but, like, totally friendly and stuff, 'cause he's teachin' us about his ways and all at this school, so he's cool, he won't eat us at the end of class, right?—but it was becoming rapidly apparent that we were actually taking a real physics class, with tests and equations and stuff. Oh, shit...my boys tapped out of future classes a bit more on the regular, as I did, though DutchBoy stayed true to the faith, because he wanted to believe, man. So did we all, but after awhile, the coursework replaced our past delusions, to create a real interest in working with the stars, which was the whole point behind the class.


It's easy to make up a fictionalized account of the world then it is to accept the truth sometimes, and as young adults, we were clearly moving towards reality faster and faster. We were leaving behind our childhood forever, and that was scary at times. What will we be like as adults? Will we suck like most people? That was more horrifying to us than a people-eating alien reptile; losing the core of our identities to the workaday world of office drones and typical assholes who cared more about their cars than life itself. We never wanted to be like that, and with one very special class taught to us at just the right time in our lives, we saw a way out, to a life of the mind that was more fascinating than some cheesy fantasy concocted by Hollywood. I mean, who the fuck were they anyway? Actor-types! No, thanks.

I wanted to in "the real" with them during class, and I found that the abstract quality of our calculations were just as silly as some of the early paintings and psychedelic scribblings that I did to entertain myself back then, as a teenager attending college. Instead of dressing up in stupid space costumes, I wanted to become more like the scientist leading the class. That's where the real entertainment was for us, as scholars. Besides, I wouldn't be working with fantasists after graduation. I'd be working with real people right here on Planet Earth, and it was that very down-to-earth quality that marks excellent teaching that drew me into the class and kept me there for an entire semester, when other kids dropped out in the face of math and science and the vastness of the stars.

I loved it, and I was surprised at how easily this language spoke to me. Maybe I'd already been to the stars and back as a time-traveler? Who knows? Suddenly, it seemed more plausible than anything I'd ever seen before. I replaced the fuzzy visions in my head based on t.v. show toys with wormholes hidden into the very fabric of space, vaulting through Horsehead Nebulas and planets that rained bright red rubies, because all of that seemed more possible to me than tentacled purple space aliens with ray-guns. Outer space became tangible and real to me, much closer than the obstructing view of popular culture, and way more plausible, even practical, given the right math.

For our very last class of the year, our Prof gave us our final assignment, based on the formula they used (and discarded) at S.E.T.I. to calculate that amount of possible Earth-like planets in the universe. We were suckers for it immediately, as we put it off for its daunting task. He really asked us to solve the question of all life in the universe, and is that even possible? We looked at the math with downcast eyes. I'd always found most everyday math problematic for me, but this was different. I needed to keep my grades up for my last semester at Oneonta, locking in my transfer to RISD to keep that process going smoothly. What if I sucked at this? I'd get a bad grade that'd put my entire future in jeopardy, like an astronaut quickly calculating his re-entry on the fly, with all instruments down.

As we turned in our paperwork for that last class, I nervously sat forward in my seat. As our teacher took the last paper from a rather Lawngisland-looking girl with huge 80s hair, my heart pounded. Uh, oh. This is it. We'd talked with enough students to know that, as a class, we were totally fucking lost as to what the "right" numbers could be. It was anyone's guess, and that's exactly what our teacher said next. As he leaned on the last stair of the front row, next to the girl's desk, he told us the truth that they discovered at SETI, when they finally closed the program due to a lack of finding and findings: there is no way to calculate how many Earth-like planets may exist in the universe.

We breathed a sigh of relief. He wasn't going to grade our papers. Cool! Maybe this is his "big reveal", Dutchboy wondered to me. Nah...but, what is it? He told us the truth about all of his work in the field of astrophysics thus far, and that's what the real bombshell of his class was about: there is no math to explain our universe that's provable, just as there is no equation that disproves the existence of G-d, and with one last look downward, he finally gave it up to us in that classroom. He believed that our life on Earth was miraculous and unexplainable in the extreme. There was no other way to put it. He'd found faith.

We felt kinda bad for him. They must have ostracized the poor guy at Trekkie conventions after that particular admission. Boy...some class, huh? We  looked at each other for awhile, outside of the lecture hall. And that was it. The was the end of my college career at Oneonta. There were absolutely no little green people floating in a spinning space disk, so improbable that it was laughable to a real scientist. There wasn't any weirdly surreal space dust that grabbed you and flung you inter-dimensionally. No, we had something far greater. We had each other. We had us, right here on Earth, and that turned out to be the best alien scenario, yet. Tough act to follow, right? I finally walked away from the carelessness of my young mind towards a much sharper, brighter future. I had everything to look forward to back then. Still do. 



Thursday, May 12, 2016

Madame Leveaux


https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marie_Laveau

Back in the heyday of "Online Dating", freedom reigned alongside the brave and the slightly (to very) insane, and I was right there with it on my desktop. Like any other amusement or entertainment, it can become addictive really quick, sort of like shoe shopping but with much more partner-swapping involved. Don't like a guy's email or photo? Oh, well. On to the next one! And there was always another one out there.

In order to truly test the waters—I'd been publicly against it in the past, based on the principles of human attraction and hard science—I dived in deeply, surfing in-between jobs posted to the printer at the office, or at home on the weekends. For the first time in my life, I was single for a prolonged period of time. I was accustomed to having a man around, especially with his 150-lb. dog that he left behind quickly, as New York City totally kicked the shit out of yet another recent arrival.

For years, men had formed a crucial part of my economy. Because of their sometimes higher-earning potential and/or easier availability for work, I could at least count on my man to have a job that would pay his bills while I paid mine. It was the only type of equality we knew in our working class homes. You do your thing, I do mine. No man = harder times. We became reliant on them for holding down money on their end, while we struggled to hold onto jobs we were significantly underpaid for, in workplaces still permeated with the attitude that women could just leave an office to get married.

Women could make it to leadership, but saddled with an entire family? Yeesh...not on our salaries. I was used to paying for my home, my car, all of my own insurance, plus food and clothes, but with absolutely no extras. I went for years without taking a day off, or a day at the beach using the subway, because who would take care of my big dog? Oh, yeah: if I wanted to go on a date after work, I arranged for it during the day while working, took the train back to Brooklyn, walked my dog (or hired a dog walker if I had money), and returned home after the date (paying pricey cab-fares) so I could be there when my very large dog woke up earlier than anyone else in our household, in case the neighbors complained again (even the ones with noisy kids and dogs), because I'm "me" and they're from out-of-town.

Easy, right? I did it as smartly as I could. I used blurry or out-of-date photos to obscure my beauty so I could have a conversation over email that lasted more than a few rounds, but it didn't work. Word got out, and New York is my native market, nowwhatimsayin? Within months, I dated: an international explorer to the Antarctic who recently video-chatted with cute schoolkids through his website, two video producers, a physicist-turned-oil-derivative day-trader with extremely deep pockets and a beautiful apartment, a celebrity chef from a popular t.v. show (I had no idea who he was, just back from Germany and all), a not-so-famous actor, a very handsome Transylvanian audio engineer/house cleaner, an opera singer still working a day job, two writers (a broke poet and a dull journalist), a French businessman with a trés chic West Village pad, and a motorcycling lighting designer in his 50s with the requisite country house in upstate New York...you get the idea. And all of them were wrong for me. 

It was either that their looks weren't on par with mine (and I am notoriously forgiving in that department, ladies, just ask around), or their temperament/attitude about life sucked, or they were culturally out-of-depth in my New York home, or their ethnicity wasn't "down home" enough for this area (meaning my entire family would hate them at first sight), or religiously they didn't fit into my life, or their work was boring, or their addictive disorder raged out-of-control...the list went on and on. I wasn't especially picky, either. I was just open to "putting myself out there", like the cliché  says. I'd never been able to do that before, because there'd always been a man waiting in the wings to date me, like I was their salami ticket on the deli line that finally came up. It was all about them and what they thought they wanted from me, but never me really, because I could do what I wanted to, with hard work and some time.

With that in mind (plus a million paranoid rants in my head told to me in my mutha's accent about the seediness of "singles ads" from years past), I came up with a fake email name loosely based on New Orleans culture called "Madame Leveaux", for an extra layer of protection and security. It worked remarkably well. It was French-sounding (like my name), but vague enough not to attract undo notice from those men looking to date and score rather quickly, which was fine by me. If I didn't like them, then it was easy enough not to answer an email again, and if I did, well...have you heard about women in their 30s? It's not hype, gents. That's our raging hormonal time, like a young man in his late teens and 20s.

I wasn't a "cougar", but I was old enough to know the "who/what/when/how/and why" I wanted exactly what I wanted (after years of solid relationships that fell short for me, through no fault of my own), and to the chronically-inept, very casual web surfer—in contrast to my rather professional posture as a desktop publisher—it was excruciating to entertain my emails AND my presence. I was either better than any photo could capture as a real live person, or wayyy smarter than some simple emails could hope to suggest to my male audience, which has always been my problem. I am "too too", you know? Too much for you.

And so, when I did a little web surfing of my own just the other day, as part of some historical research to go along with an old souvenir poster that I'd bought on a trip to New Orleans before the flood, I wasn't surprised to learn that the real Madame Laveau was far more than some local voodoo priestess. No, amis. She was way more than a tourist attraction cooked up for the white folk comin' to town, looking for the exotic to go along with their "purple drank" down on Bourbon Street. The real Madame was a lot like me: an herbalist, healer, and apothecary by trade. That's right, friends. An educated, working woman doin' her own thing excellently well, in a town and time that was vehemently opposed to it at first, I'm sure. But, that didn't keep them from comin' back to they mama, just like y'all do. Welcome back.


Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Dead Man's Party


Boingo.png

I've seen the "walking dead" of the world party, and contrary to the hype you see on prime-time t.v., it isn't fun at all. People with "dead head" problems don't really give a fuck if they live or die, and they just might want to take you out with them. It's not like there's a card in the grocery store for just such an occasion, either, know what I'm sayin'? How would that go, anyway? "I'mSorryYouDiedButGoAwayNow" read really fucking quick?!

When I was forced into close proximity with one of the devil's own, all that lazy bitch Cotto wanted to do was smoke his dirt weed blunts and play "JerkBox" until he died in his 50s, like his "hero" of a dad. Feel me? There just wasn't enough there to make it an exceptionally cool ride to be on, and, true to me, as soon as I made "bank", I was gone, baby, gone. Why wait for his dull-ass second act? I'd already seen the show and peeked behind the curtain, yo. The dead don't party.

As a former Oneontan, I've been privileged to attend some of the most epic student parties ever to grace that small hick town (love ya, tho'), and I'm gonna tell you from my firsthand experience: we looked nothing like half-dead rock stars looking to make their final exit from stage left, practically in front yo' face, to boost their flagging record sales. 

Really good times come equipped with this handy, easy-to-remember formula (for all you kids struggling out there with the lameness that constantly surrounds you): really really good music, great food, free-flowing drinks (with the requisite cut-offs for party novices, 'cause you gotta account for the possibility of "lame" descending on you, like, always), a beautiful venue, gorgeous chicks, good-looking guys, and really smart people with something to say, for awesome conversations that can possibly inform and entertain at the same time.

Isn't that what it's really about, anyway? Having a great time, easing your worries, clearing your mind, and getting ready for the next big thing? It "sho'nuff" is! I don't "pay to play" with no bullshit club rife with hookers and other opportunists. I got my own thing to do. I don't need you for that. Trust. You can't hang wit' it. I do roll with low-key jazz joints that know the real from the fake, and bitch, your plastic tits ain't worth the entry fee they built it on. It don't mean shit to me. At the end of the day, I just want to hear the music play while I drink my beer. Bounce.


Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Shock to the System


https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lightning


Lately I've been seeing a building rhetoric grow in popular media outlets that suggest electroshock therapy as a cruel and inhumane practice, even though it isn't designed to be so. If you ever met a violently-shaking schizophrenic or a severely distressed bipolar individual who's completely disassociated from reality (and has been so for days, manically cycling through a series of brain traumas that cannot correct themselves on their own), it's easy to point fingers around the medical community that treats the sickest kinds of people living among us.

It's illogical to assume that currents targeted to specific areas of the brain (that are already shutting down) would be overly harmful, since a severely dysfunctional brain is significantly handicapped to begin with. We run on electricity! All lifeforms on earth are held sway under the same natural principles of Applied physics, and our bodies (with brains) are no different. Would you ask a heart patient to remove his or her life-saving pacemaker just to suit your irrational fears about electrical currents and the mechanical devices made to heal them?

It seems cruel when I phrase it that way, right? And it is. We should be open to any healing practice that has years of solid science backing it. I know mental illness is scary. We've all been victimized by chronic abuse, most often at the hands of the seriously disordered, and isn't that reason enough to keep these kinds of helpful methods around? Any empirical scientist (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Empirical_evidence) would read the same data that I did, to come back to the same place. If it works, it works. Who are we to question someone else's healing? Let. It. Be.

Forget what you've seen in those old movies (based on better books) about cuckoo birds, insane nurses, and wrongfully-imprisoned Indians who seem harmless until they're violently tripped off. When was the last time you stepped over a homeless individual on the streets, yo? Like, yesterday, New Yorker?! We're confronted with illness every day. It ain't just hype when you confront damage like that, is it? It's real. People need understanding; not fear and ignorance. You need to heal.
It's time.

Know the facts, first: 
- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Electroconvulsive_therapy
- http://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/electroconvulsive-therapy/basics/definition/prc-20014161
- http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/electroconvulsive-therapy
- http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/ect
- https://www.nami.org/Learn-More/Treatment/ECT,-TMS-and-Other-Brain-Stimulation-Therapies

Monday, May 9, 2016

Stigma


https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stigma


Having been the target of significant harassment all of my life, it's no surprise to me when I encounter it out in the larger world. Towards the end of my public service in other people's privately-held companies, I came to expect a certain timeline that I folded into my performance as I went about my day. During my time at one large textbook publisher, the very hallway in front of my office space became known as The Illuminator's Hallway, as employee after employee recognized that the letters "Master Illuminator" might as well be engraved above the doorway leading to it. And, no, " La Lohard" celeb who likes to stalk chicks: that was not a holy fountain to bless yourself with, at the company entrance. Dumb bitch. Nice act, though. You play a drunk wandering into the wrong building while "vaping" really well!

After awhile, it became a rather quiet, and (dare I say it?) quite pleasant place to work towards the end of my tenure there, in sharp contrast to before, like I was being used as a dishwasher for the insane. It forever secured my fame with the native English-speaking crowd, both here and "across the pond", which was part of the point: letting the Brits overseas know that we still have a solidly strong foot in the game. Nothing to front about here. I've also worked in some of the most illegally toxic office environments that a modern city like New York has to offer, without being fully prosecuted right underneath my nose (avoiding my participation in your affairs, eh?), although I expect the dust from those lawsuits to have been settled by now. 

I considered it my patriotic duty to monitor adherence to the law by whistle-blowing in the most intelligent manner that's ever been recorded in those offices, by which I mean this: evil don't win ever against me, ever. I might let a bitch hiss under her breath in my direction—if I'm really busy—but rest assured, retribution will always be mine, as the fate of His Most Righteous in gloriously-done battle. I don't lose fights either unless, of course, you rigged it by cheating (like a punk-ass beyotch), in which case any match you thought you won is null-and-void in my record book and everyone else's. 

I was dropped into disordered, predominantly homosexual offices so I could fight my way through them, which I did, with every single facet of my existence coming under fire. The crazy bitch who lead that charge? Yeah, you should know that Diana cried "Foul!" like a bitch on Day One, after stealing a glance at my very first rough layouts over the company server, and that was some small-time German publisher of common ephemera. Feel me? I hurt her so fucking bad, that she used as excuses: 1) her mental illnesses 2) the fact that her tiny little "bi" bitch (who cheated on her husband with her, while still married) needed the money from her job for law school, so they could strong-arm us into accepting legal deals that do not benefit the majority of our population, 3) that her daddy was an abusive drunk who left her and her mom early on, hence the damage (boohoo: her mom is a Methodist minister somewhere in Dallas), and finally, 4) the "poor dyke" card. 

She threatened lawsuits towards the middle and end of my tenure, too, because she just couldn't hang in there with it, and once again, one very fucked-up small family business that's an exercise in pride and the human ego fired an employee quickly on the heels of my departure, in case I cooked up any winning employment lawsuits that they rightly deserved, and got served with in my absence. I ain't got time for no court, y'all. I got work to do. And so, when I was dropped into another fucked-up small family business (this time, Jews from New York), I expected the teeth and claws of the insane to come out quickly. 

By now, I'd rightly earned a reputation as a woman not to be trifled with, so it was mostly pissant shit I could ignore in the face of my bigger workflow that earns. It took a few years for them to run the clock with me, thinking that they were sucking me dry of my "good" designs that were deliberately rejected by their Observant manager that they placed at B&N to do so, so they could milk my brilliant cover designs in my absence from their company hard drive (Hi, there!). It didn't work, because I was already famous, but it was a nice try. Nice try! 

After that, they let their rabid Israeli bitch of a secretary loose on me (so they thought), and I took her down, too (after also embarrassing her at MMA, because the bitch tapped out on a bland white belt for rank-ass beginners at a bullshit school for office tools), while using her bad shit to fuel the anger that put my work over-the-top, because no one uses me without my approval. Ever. Feeling "randy" now, boys? No?! Huh...silence finally reigns. Again.

So, when I hear bullshit justifications about undoing the "stigma" associated with mental illness, I know that the perpetrator of such a farce is also mentally ill (and afraid of exposure), because healthy people know the real cost of untreated psychosis in this society and worldwide. It doesn't wash with us, anymore, because we know better. But, we will take your Hollywood money and funnel it through special "committees" designed to bilk you out of your ill-gotten gains by using your immorally psychotic power to bankrupt the rest of us.

If you think this mama is dumb enough to accept your sob stories after my history of abuse at the hands of the chronically sick, as wars beaten and won by me (and publicly witnessed), you are worse off than you originally thought. Go back to your doctor, stat! We will protect our land, we will protect our children, and we will protect this land that is built of the "pursuit of happiness"; not your vanity, nor your ego, or your pride, and certainly not your cowardice, or your fears about your diseases. It ends today, because the rights of the healthy take precedence over the rights of the chronically-ill abuser. Together we rise, not fall. Your fears, my dear public, are well-justified. Drunks kill people. Guns kill people. And crazy people kill people. You will solve brain disorders, and you start will start that process today. Go!





Friday, May 6, 2016

Miscarriage of Justice


https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Justice

Like the history of modern medicine and its marginalization of traditional home-based herbal remedies that used to be the expertise of women (http://mariedoucette.blogspot.com/2016/02/bad-medicine.html), women's healthcare has been similarly co-opted by disordered interests, rife with harmful hidden agendas. When was the last time a prominent urologist (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Urology) was murdered for performing a vasectomy (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vasectomy) on a man, or his patient publicly vilified for receiving such a procedure? No? There you go! That's all the answer you ever needed.

When I was in school, we studied the intricacies of debate and logic to dismantle false constructs as quickly as possible, given the normal mental capabilities of the particular human we would be in conversation with, or maybe not. Even at my teacher's college in upstate New York, "Special Needs" and "Special Education" were separate coursework from the regular curriculum, designed for average Liberal Arts students, that formed the basis of our freshman and sophomore years, before the student chose a Major (and/or Minor) to specialize in.

In short, we're taught to tell a normal person about the flaws in their perceptions as grounds for their re-education, even in extreme cases of the most cult-like indoctrination present in the minds of the people who've been brain-washed (perhaps in social isolation), manipulated for someone else's benefit besides their own. That's unfortunately where healthcare for women has ended in America: stuck in the worst minds we have as human beings, creating bizarre social distortions that feed public fears about the human body from a steady diet of ignorance and hype that's typical of mentally ill households. Who holds sway there? The biggest strongest douchebag, that's who.

Even worse for most average American families were the men who loved their women enough to take care of them, or speak up for their human rights. Every single intellectual argument I've ever had about women's healthcare that's still seen as "controversial" I have won (and I mean, EVERY SINGLE ONE), so this is not an open invitation to you, as my reading public, to become a right rotten cunt to me about something that I solved using ancient Aristotelian logic at S.U.N.Y. Oneonta, at 19-years old (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Term_logic). 


It was such a huge victory for me that the entire class came up to me to talk about it, because my boyfriend and I had planned to argue "pro" and "con" sides of any argument we had within class beforehand. Like I'd written before, we were so good at masking our romantic relationship that the entire class was fooled, though one cool homeboy from 'round the way in Brooklyn told my boy to tap my ass, " 'Cause she's feelin' you, man! You got her all worked up tho', bro!" After which time, at the end of our very last class for the summer, we told him the truth: that we were boyfriend-and-girlfriend all along. He. Freaked. Out. "I knew it! I knew it!", he shouted out to the rest of the class.

To reiterate old scholarship from my teenage years, let's go over some key points ONE MORE TIME (for yo' dumb ass, and not mine): Roe vs. Wade* will not be overturned by The Supreme Court, no matter how many partisan games are played. Okay? Time to grow up about "icky" female bodies, because they exist whether you like it or not. Women are not sexual slaves for public consumption, and I expect you to understand that as clearly as I have explained it here, again. If you do not, and you respond to reason with artificially-heightened rhetoric at any point in the future, I will immediately understand that you have mental problems, just like you've read in my prior works on this site. 


Sexuality is not a crime in these modern times, and as such, it is not actionable as a just cause on its own. You still have to prove malicious intent, which you will not, because women are not always aware of their inner workings (like a man isn't), because we do not come with specialized, high-end, digital-imaging equipment, nor do we have an instruction manual attached to our bodies (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obstetrics_and_gynaecology). We do, however, come to the table educated nowadays, because health and hygiene classes begin in grade school. If you have a fifth-graders knowledge twisted, once again, I will know (as will many others) that you are sick-minded.

Here are some simple numbers that even a high-school drop-out like you should be able to process: "Unlike men, who produce new sperm daily throughout most of their lifetime, women are born with all their eggs in one — okay, two baskets (ovaries). To be more precise, a woman is born with about one to two million immature eggs, or follicles, in her ovaries. - Jun 12, 2015" (Columbia University)

If you continue prejudices against nature, you must then also include (in this era of civil rights) legal actions against men who choose not to reproduce: "...the average male will produce roughly 525 billion sperm cells over a lifetime and shed at least one billion of them per month. A healthy adult male can release between 40 million and 1.2 billion sperm cells in a single ejaculation.- Jan 24, 2013"

That means, every time a man knowingly prevents a pregnancy, he must be held accountable in the same way a woman is, because even though our biologies are different, our human rights are not. It's worth nothing that men have not been legally accused of murder for birth control in this country, ever. Given your (new) understanding of the numbers involved in our human reproductive systems, it then stands to reason that women are not "murdering" fertilized eggs during its earliest reproductive process, just like "Plan B" and other types of early-induced miscarriages are designed to be: not harmful to a later-stage fetus or the woman, but to accurately simulate the earliest stages of human gestation, a time when most women naturally miscarry anyway (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miscarriage). 

Truthfully, any woman will tell you that she's had as many miscarriages as she's carried full-term successfully, if you bothered to ask to her. It's absolutely nothing to be ashamed of! In fact, there are typically no real bodily signs for most women who miscarry, whether intentionally performed by their doctor, or without us even knowing it, because material rejected or expelled by women is usually incorporated into our next menstrual period. In which case, we didn't even know it happened, which is what we still insist on calling all "abortions" today, like the mischaracterized horrors certain sick minds want it to be, when it is so clearly not that (http://mariedoucette.blogspot.com/2015/10/bride-of-chucky.html). We know you know that, by the way.

So, what will happen? Well, "welfare queens" will be rightly prosecuted for using their natural child-rearing capabilities as an excuse to make money from their children, just like selling a man's sperm without his consent would be actionable in a court of law. Then, the healthy women living happily among you, who voluntarily had minor medical procedures designed to keep their lives intact (and who care so much for all life on this earth that they willingly chose to become excellent women first before becoming mothers), will be given the credit they both deserve and earned for being socially responsible citizens. 


It also means your that bloodily-staged shows of the past will become the trite comic fodder it's always been for enlightened minds like mine. G-d wants us to be happy, healthy, productive, and (most importantly) part of His Loving Family. Planning parenthood wisely is about the most beautifully humane gift any woman can give her future family. You were wrong. You are wrong now. Adjust accordingly. That is all.



Thursday, May 5, 2016

Them Lovely Bones

 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Day_of_the_Dead

One of the trips I look forward to the most in the future is visiting Mexico during their annual "Day of the Dead" festival (click on the photo above), because I think it's an absolutely beautiful tradition to keep. Native Americans* often have different funerary practices than European Americans, depending on the tribe and its geography. Out west, people were wrapped in several layers of decorative blankets, placed high in treetops on secured wooden platforms, and visited after the body was completely dessicated so their bones could be wiped clean, to be put back within a smaller bundle in a ritualistic design**.

I appreciate their traditions for representing a more mature attitude towards life and death. We are born, we live, and we die. Simple as that, or not, depending on your amount of life strife. But, wouldn't it be comforting to know that the children you gave birth to (and their children's children) came back to visit your grave in memorial every year, decorating the site with beautiful artwork made from the traditional designs of your culture? They would be the people who gently unwrap your bones, tucking you back into a fresh bundle, keeping your resting place neat and tidy. 

It's so cheerful, isn't it? Your family plot becomes a place people look forward to visiting, by celebrating your life (and theirs) eating and drinking the same foods you enjoyed during your life. It seems like such a loving thing to do, in contrast to our colder American burials, as performances of grief and mourning that often lack the real heart and soul of your loved one and their life. My grandparents were such fun people for me to be around, but their brood is most definitely not: there's nothing to be had for me by spending time with them, whether its over a burial mound or anywhere else, for that matter.

Then, why would I do something so intimate as grieve with them? They don't understand life! Would they understand death any better? They don't get it, any of it. I understand that life and death is a process because I was taught that and I've also experienced it, but I'm also the best student my family has ever produced. I'd rather be on my own, than suffer through a bad death with a bunch of people who lack feelings and emotions. Do you know what I mean? We need to change the way we feel about life before we can conquer death, or life-after-death, as part of G-d's eternal promise to us for an everlasting reality. That's the day I'm looking forward to: the greatest holiday of all time. ¡Salud!

*   https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Burial_Ridge
** https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_prehistoric_sites_in_Colorado